Got RAGE??? Again???
Yes. The Rage Is Real.
So, I get it; you read Part I of Got Rage (& if you haven’t, it can be found HERE. & now that my shameful plug-in is done, let us carry on)…where was I? Oh yes, so you read Part I and are wondering, how can there be more to say? You have more rage? There is more rage out there? What is there to talk about? What NOW??? Well, in short, yes, there is always more rage. There are angry people out there everywhere. By the same token, there are good people as well. However, that is not what we are discussing today. Got Rage Part II is here. So, let us begin.
In the last blog post, I shared my experience watching “Girl in The Picture,” Again, I think back with a shutter. After taking the plunge, (mind you, I am the partner in my relationship who says if we watch a scary movie, we need time for an animation, preferably PG/G rated after, but I digress), I thought, why not just go for it and watch Surviving R.Kelly. If I was a drug addict in recovery and said movies were drugs, I do believe I would be going in the wrong direction. As a trauma survivor, yikes! My mind is blown, and yet, is it? Do I genuinely believe there aren’t people like this out in the world? I have lived experience to prove that it is so, and still, I was shocked and angry, disheartened, and the list goes on. Here you have a music icon. I won’t lie; I will be the first to say “I Believe I Can Fly” was on repeat at my house. I thought, how inspirational and uplifting, then segue into the first 30 minutes of the film on Netflix — Holy hell! I am never gonna listen to a full R. Kelly song again in my life. That guy is dead to me. However, my thoughts on the matter aren’t as important as the traits I saw, the behaviors, and the signs that all people should know about narcissistic behavior and people with a god complex and yes, emotional terrorists. Are these new words for you?
Narcissistic behavior, better known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own self-worth or importance; they don’t want attention; they have to have excessive attention and admiration. As a result, they often have troubled relationships and a lack of empathy for others. Yet behind the mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile sense of self-esteem. Imagine someone getting angry at you for the slightest criticism. Anyone come to mind? Think back over the span of your life. Anything? In my case, YES, I do believe I have at least one person that comes to mind. So, there. With that in mind, on to the following definition.
God Complex — A god complex is an unshakable belief in oneself with inflated feelings of personal privilege, capability, or infallibility. Someone with a god complex most likely refuses to admit the possibility of their error or failure, even in the face of facts, irrefutable evidence, issues, problems, or difficulties that may arise, or impossible tasks are asked to be carried out. They are also highly dogmatic in their views. Aka. they are always unquestionably correct, even when they are undeniably wrong. (Anyone come to mind yet? I am sure there is someone.) Those with a godlike complex have no regard for society’s expectations, laws, rules, or regulations and most likely will request special consideration or privileges.
So, getting back to Surviving R. Kelly. What I witnessed was Emotional Terrorism. What’s that?
Emotional Terrorism is an extreme form of psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse; it is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to a behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Emotional abuse can include dominance, control, isolation, ridicule, mockery, verbal assault, or using intimate knowledge of the other person for degradation (Follingstad, Coyne, & Gambone, 2005).
“Emotional abuse starts slowly and happens over time. Recognizing the signs and symptoms is hard when the behavior and words become normalized or minimized. For this reason, it can take time for someone to recognize that emotional abuse is occurring. Take the time to learn what needs to be done to navigate away from the situation safely. Ask for help from professionals and friends and family.” ~Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC
Curious what some examples are of emotional Terrorism?
Obsessively following up (Online or in-person). For either online or in-person, they want to remind you I am right here watching you. Doesn’t that sound creepy? Yes, creepy people do that.
They call and leave cryptic threatening messages. This is so they can’t technically be liable for wrongdoing, but you get the hint, like a brick to the face.
They try to humiliate you in front of others just to make you feel small while simultaneously pumping themselves up.
They use the “Everyone feels that way” or “Everyone thinks that about you,” so it seems like it is you against the world. When the reality is that the world isn’t out to get you, just one person who wants to feel large and in charge.
They glare at you, stare you down, put you down to others and talk bad about you when you aren’t there.
They take credit for getting you to where you are or for your hard work.
Emotional terrorists want to isolate you until you are alone, shaking, and feel like you are going to get shanked at your next public outing.
Or they just want you to hurt for disobedience, leaving them and turning your back on them (How Dare You).
They make you think you are lower than dirt if you lose their favor.
They team up with others who hold sway over your life and find ways to twist their thinking.
They manipulate those around you so you are the “Crazy one.”
All of this can happen. It happened in Surviving R. Kelly, which honestly sucks because I, too, loved the song “I Believe I can fly,” Oh wait, I said that already (Could you tell I was a fan?!) and now, despite the catchy tune, I want to say “Bye, Bye.”
So what to do to deal with an emotional terrorist, a narcissistic, or someone who thinks they are god?
If someone is being manipulative remember: while that person may have experienced bullying or learned how to do what they do to survival, that is no excuse for continuing the cycle of abuse.
If you are in an abusive relationship and that person is threatening to break up with you call them on it and explain that you won’t be treated that way. If a partner thinks they can do better somewhere else, they should go somewhere else. Do not let them take you emotionally hostage.
If that person tries to publicly humiliate you, do not give them more attention. If it is an event they weren’t invited to, get someone else to ask them to leave or say they need to leave if you feel confident in yourself to do so.
If someone is angry, let them be angry. Don’t try to control their emotions. All you can control is you. Yes, horrible but true.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.”
~WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY, Invictus
If you need support after dealing with one of these behaviors, get it. Talk to a friend, a counselor, a therapist, a teacher, a family member, a mentor, a priest, someone who you absolutely trust and who you believe will honestly listen to you. Or, if you do not want to tell a soul, write it on paper, say everything in your heart that needs to be said, burn the paper, rip it up, do what you need to do to let that energy go, sage your self, do yoga, meditate, sing, dance, move your body, find a comedy and laugh.
If someone withholds affection from you, detach. Give yourself room to breathe space to think, time to be. Sometimes that makes all the difference.
Be kind to yourself. Some of what they say could cut deep. You may believe it or second guess yourself. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
Remember what it was like without them in your life. What did you do that was fun, that you enjoyed? Do that for yourself, as long as it is healthy for your, not harmful.
Dear readers, if you have dealt with an emotional terrorist, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry that that has happened or that is happening. While I want to say don’t worry, don’t listen to the threats, and take it with a grain of salt, all is fair in love & war; I believe you have to follow your gut. You have to trust yourself. Navigate these situations by finding support, calling friends, making friends, connecting (Connection with others is critical if someone isolates you).” The horrible thing is that we look at people with a godlike complex and think they are invincible, and we have drunk the Kool-aid. We believe they are that ideal version of themselves. We want to believe they are benevolent, good, amazing, and wonderful, and maybe, to some people, they are. However, that doesn’t mean they aren’t cruel to you or hurtful. Being good to many or doing good deeds after kicking a cat doesn’t mean you didn’t just kick a freakin cat.
Can I relate to this behavior? Have I witnessed it?
Yes. I have met people that, in my eyes, were magic itself. They spoke truths that were so real. I could relate to their stories, their struggles. I saw a kinship. They had a presence that would light up the room or take up the whole thing. As time went on, they took up a lot of space physically and mentally. I eventually saw another side. In so many ways, we want to forgive that side, the side that hurts us, the side we finally see that hurts others. We forgive away so many things we forget our wants and needs. We forget that we love those people we see hurt because we love that other person too — even as abusive as their behavior is. I have had my heart break; it split into tiny pieces — shattered. We forgive the hurt because we are hanging on to the belief that those people still honestly care for us, that deep down, they love us and would never really harm us, but they did, and they do. Then the realization hits — do they have the capacity to care for anyone? Do they care at all? Or is it the image that they care for?
You see another side when you turn your back, as I finally had to. I saw a side so filled with rage at me leaving, at me choosing to believe what was written on paper, what was laid out before my eyes and could not be unseen. I chose my happiness, self-care, and health because the worst thing about loving someone who emotionally terrorizes you is that that love doesn’t go away. For those questioning the people in their lives, this does not have to be a lover, a partner, or a family member. It could be a friend, a peer, a mentor. It could be someone who introduced you to something greater, greater than you, or so you believe. That does not mean you owe them your time, your energy, and space in your brain. They don’t deserve it.
My hope for those of you reading this, who have someone in your life who you feel fearful of, or when they enter your mind, a feeling of dread spreads over you like an ice-cold shower; I want you to know you aren’t alone. I want you to choose you not because you don’t love them anymore but because you love yourself and have to survive — you deserve to be too.