So You Were The Victim & Now YOU ARE Exhibiting Abusive Behavior…Let’s Talk About It

Sharing perspective from an Empowerment Self-Defense lens.

“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens.” ~Judith L. Herman

I watched @Netflix’s “Girl in The Picture,” a chilling murder mystery with a psychotic man who abducted a young girl. He justified his actions by sharing all the abuse he had endured. It got me thinking of how common that is for abusers — justifying their behaviors by defaulting to their past experiences, their own victimhood when someone blames them or when someone else has the spotlight. I remember many past relationships when an abusive partner would justify his behavior by how a past partner treated him, something he lived through that no one could understand. I experienced gaslighting when I would address an issue; he would default to his past or something he thought I did wrong previously instead. It’s hard to live your life that way, loving someone who could never fully love you, who never says they are sorry or who does but then exhibits the abusive behavior over & over, justifying it in 1 way or another. It’s worse when it’s all behind closed doors or in a place where all the surrounding parties are on board with the behavior (they may not like it, but they don’t intervene & they will never call that person out for what the behavior is — Abuse).

Does this sound like someone you know?

I remember a partner; so charismatic, a leader in his community, kind in public, fun, innovative & had an insane following. I used to call them his minions. He could do no wrong in their eyes & I ended up feeling like I was crazy because no one saw what I saw. They didn’t see him rage at me or say every mean thing, then flip his switch & look at me like I was nuts for crying or feeling angry. No one saw “an abuser.” Even when they did see him angry and going on a rant, they would explain away the behavior and enable the process to continue. We never want to view our friends and loved ones as abusive parties. We love them. However, have you ever just asked yourself to take a step back and look at them as a human instead of that fun-loving person you know?

Here are tools & strategies I’ve used to identify abusive behavior, call it out, & support those experiencing it.

Do You Have Internalized Rage?

So many people may be reading and thinking, ‘Do I have internalized rage?’ Well, to be honest, many of us do! According to John Sarno, M.D.’s book “The Mindbody Prescription” people carry their strong emotions within them. If they are not actively working on them and moving them out of their bodies, they can experience internalized rage, leading to chronic illnesses and pain. Got pain? Leg aches, headaches, migraines, etc.? This may mean that there are some serious emotions under the surface that need an outlet. If you have read the “Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, this topic is also mentioned. When we do not do our own work, the stress it takes on our bodies affects us. It will also affect our moods, how we communicate, and how we walk in the world with others.

Signs YOU Exhibit Abusive Behavior

• Do you find you are flipping your lid often?

• Sometimes, you are filled with rage, and you find you take it out on people who love you.

• You often justify unsavory behavior.

• Do you find that you often yell and scream at others behind closed doors so you can get what you want or your way?

• Or you want them to understand what you mean, and they don’t get it, so you raise your voice often.

• Don’t want people to find out, so you use scare tactics or more extreme ways to silence others?

• You know your behavior is wrong, but you can’t say “I’m sorry,” or you apologize but then do the same thing again and again.

• Deep Down, You Don’t Like Yourself Because Of Your Actions Towards Others.

Ways You Might Justify Your Anger

Do you often justify your anger in your mind?

• They are stupid if they don’t understand.

• They don’t understand all that I went through! I was the victim of __________ (Racism, Sexism, Homophobia, Religious bias, Rape, Genocide, Pedophilia, Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, Harassment, Bullying, etc. = fill in the blank) 

• They pushed my limits because _____ (ex. they asked too many questions, talked too much, were too naive, were too curious).

• They deserve to get yelled at. 

• They’re wrong. I’m right.

• If I’m doing great work in the world, that should compensate for my behavior/shortcomings.

• We all slip sometimes.

• I just have a lot on my plate, okay! Get over it!

• I’m going through a lot! You don’t even know! 

• We all have our bad days.

• I don’t need to apologize. They know me. They know this is just how I am.

• I don’t have to apologize to anyone. Nobody gets it. 

Reality Check For A Survivor Who’s Raging

This is not you. This is your chosen behavior & your pent-up emotions at play. You have control over your feelings and how you treat other people. People who yell and rage at others have deep-seated unresolved issues, experience abuse, or struggle with mental health. That does not condone your behavior with others who did not do those things to you. 

Are You The One Getting Yelled At?

Here are some ways to disrupt that behavior:

• SHUT IT DOWN

  -“I get you think this is acceptable behavior. It’s not okay with me.”

  -“You want to keep talking with me? When you are ready to change how you speak to me & are willing to speak more kindly and with respect, let me know. I will see if I’m in a space to listen to you.”

  -“I get that in the past, you’ve experienced abuse. I am not your abuser.”

 -“While you have a right to your anger, frustration, or sadness, NO One deserves Your RAGE.” 

 -“I will be in a better space to listen when you are in a better space to speak with me. Until then, you need to leave.” (Or if you are in their space, let them know you are leaving)

 -“You continue speaking that way & I will hang up the phone.”

-“You continue to speak that way & I will leave.” 

Note To Those Who Love An Abuser

You can love someone and still call them out for their abuse and/or abusive behavior. You can love them. You can love yourself too and understand your worth because you are worthy of being treated well & kindly. It does not mean that person is a“bad person.” It does mean their behavior is not healthy for you to be around, and you recognize the need to honor that in yourself. That can be honored by:

• Detaching

• Leaving

• Setting clear boundaries

• Writing a letter

• Writing a song

• Setting clear rules of engagement

• Divorcing them

• Ending a friendship

• Seeking other forms of employment if they are your employer, manager, or colleague

• Asking for a mediator

• Saying you want to separate

• Calling a spade a spade (Calling out the behavior when you see it and standing firm with your boundaries)

• Loving yourself more.

• Putting yourself first.

A Message To The Victim That Is Now The Abuser

I SEE YOU. I understand that life treated you unfairly & it was not kind. I am genuinely sorry for what you endured, and I believe no one should have to endure trauma or abuse. I believe there is a good person in you. There is love for you. That being said, your behavior is not okay. You have a right to your feelings, but no one deserves your rage; that includes you & that includes me :) 

For those this hits home for, I know you are hurting. Seek support, professional help, and the support of friends, family, mentors, and your inner circle. You all deserve to live your best life. That comes when you are willing to let go of your inner rage and sadness. That comes when you are honest with yourself and the people around you. It comes when you are willing to be vulnerable. The reality is we are all human, and there is goodness in us all. 

Want To Change Your Behavior?

• Acknowledged its existence

• Take ownership of your actions

• Apologize

• Be kind to yourself

• Find support & don’t try to fix yourself alone

• Don’t expect others to fix you. It is not their job. A.K.A. Do your own work.

• Don’t expect that people will stay during your healing process or that they will stick it out because you are suddenly changing.

• Don’t expect or demand that others will forgive you right away or ever for your unkind behavior with them. Don’t expect them to accept your apology.

• If people set boundaries with you, ACCEPT THE BOUNDARY.

• Come clean

• Be honest

• Be willing to be vulnerable

• When you are wrong, do not justify it with an excuse. Say you are sorry (period). 

• Strive to be better than you were yesterday and give yourself love for every day you work to heal and be a kinder person. 

Have I Felt The Rage?

I am a survivor, and in my past, I did feel a rage I could not understand. After experiencing abuse in my late teens and early 20s, I didn’t know how to explain what was happening to me. Silence. Pure silence. I didn’t want to explain. I mean, how awful! So, I would stuff the emotions. I would dance. I would do yoga. I would meditate. I would read. I would party with my girlfriends for endless nights on the town, but Dear God, don’t let me connect with the rage that lingered underneath. That would mean I would have to admit to myself that I had been a victim and I was nobody’s victim.

I was strong, fun-loving, and capable of “managing my emotions.” I was beautiful and intelligent and kind to so many. In the end, though, I realized my emotions were managing me. What I learned is that I was hiding in plain sight. I did not want people to see me hurting. I remember a day I blew up at my mom for her asking me a simple question. For those who know me, mom is one of my best friends. In my mind, I couldn’t help it. I caught myself justifying it, and the justification, in the end, sounded ridiculous when I was honest with myself. Also, I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth. It was a definite turning point for me because who wants to live like that? Waiting and dreading the next outburst. And why would you want to put people through such an ordeal? No one deserves to receive YOUR rage. Over ten years ago, I told myself that I would not be that way because then it leads to the type of person I am sharing about with you today. I didn’t like how such anger felt in my body or the blind rage I experienced. I did not want to become an abuser, which meant I had to do my work, and for those reading this who have that issue, that is what I am challenging you to do. I believe people are capable of change. I think people are capable of so many things! I want my clients and readers to know they can do anything they set their mind to, even explore their pent-up rage and face it head on. What will happen after is a transformation — an opportunity at life again, the chance to feel like a whole person, not just a splash of puzzle pieces sprawled across a table. You can do this!

So, those who look at this and see themselves in this post may feel exposed, put on the spot, called out, and honestly, that is a good thing. It means you are identifying patterns and ways of living that you know you don’t want anymore!

Was this article helpful? Please share it on social media, email it to your friend, and use it when you identify this behavior in others or identify it within yourself. Make the change! I believe in you! When you are willing to work on healing your mind and heart, you are able to heal the body and spirit within. Mahalo, for reading!

Want to work on this in a private session? Email me at ElleLiveAction@gmail.com and use the title in the subject line.