Don’t Call Me Sweetie: a roadmap for all navigating titles

You Being Called Sweetie, Honey, Doll, and while it is cringe worthy for you, you just don’t know how to respond.

You’ve heard the lines before. Heck, you might be reading this, and you are the ones delivering them. Well, listen up! Not everyone likes being called sweetie, even if you are old fashioned or “Just being you,” or this is “Who you are.” Hold the phone, are you sweetie? No. Would you call another person sweetie if they were a different gender? Probably not. I was discussing curriculum topics my clients and up-and-coming trainers wanted to know. We teach the heel palm, the knee to the groin, a loud “BACK OFF!” “NO!” “DON’T TOUCH ME!” but what about the subtleties? Does everyone who says something need a “HEY! DON’T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!” because sometimes it doesn’t take that to make someone pause on what they are saying? Hopefully, after reading this article, those who use this type of language can course correct it. So, let’s get into it.

Here are some common lines many women receive daily depending on where they go and the activity. It doesn’t have to be at a bar or club. It could be at an ice cream shop, a movie theater, a restaurant, a lounge, a dinner party, or a conference, and yes, I am mentioning these places because either I, a friend, or a colleague has experienced this.  

• “Hi, Sweetie!”, 

• “Here you go, Sweetie,” 

• “Be there in a second, Honey.” 

• “Hold your horses Doll,” 

• “Hello, Doll Face,” 

• “While aren’t you the Cutest Little Thing”

• “You teach self-defense, but you’re so tiny/petite.” 

• “But you are just a little thing.”

• “Well, I don’t know, Baby. You think I should give you this?”

• “Smile.”

• “You’d look prettier if you were Smiling.”

News alert, unless this is your spouse and you have discussed pet names, I would think twice before making these statements. The self-defense comment may not happen to you, but I get that a lot because I am short and, yes, petite. Are these annoying statements? Yes. Are they dated? Yes. Do people use them because they were okay to use way back when? Often. Does this mean they should keep on using them? No. Just like we don’t use slanderous terms, racist terms which may have been perceived as okay but obviously aren’t because they are no longer in mainstream vocabulary and are derogatory. 

I remember going out dancing when I still lived in WA. I was out with my friends. My girlfriend had just gone through a horrible breakup. She was out dancing to pick up her spirits. A guy went up behind her and started to dance. She said, “Back off!” The guy said, “Wow, you know if you smiled, you’d look a lot prettier,” and he grabbed her chin. She turned her head and looked at me. I walked in between him and her and said, “Get out, NOW, or I will REMOVE YOU!” Bouncers came shortly after and escorted him out of the bar. This event was an intense situation. Did she need me to save her? No. Did bystander intervention kick in, and I trusted my intuition to speak up on her behalf? Yes. Did she deserve to be treated that way because “after all, she was in a bar?” NO. Hell NO. Some actions I have seen because the location is just considered “That type of place” are cringe-worthy. You don’t have to deal with that behavior. Part of it is a choice. If you see that happening often at that location, you can choose to go, ask the staff, and inquire if they have taken any trainings, regardless of whether they are the ones saying this. This question can open the door to trainings.

Changing cultural mindsets and thought processes can be a challenge. Maybe this person came from the South. Perhaps they are older, which was a sign of respect for their time. Maybe they are trying to put you in a box and objectify you. Possibly you don’t know how you feel about the action or words. 

In Hawai’i, many people hug as a greeting. They may kiss you on the cheek. This endearment happened with a few of my partner’s friends saying hello to me. I had to check in with myself after. How did I feel about the action? Did I feel okay? You may be wondering, and yes, even Empowerment Self-Defense instructors are still defining their boundaries when new scenarios arise. Since I didn’t get out much during the pandemic, honestly, seeing a lot of people can be overwhelming or a bit much for me. I love music, and listening to my partner’s band brings me great joy! All of it is about how you feel and what you sense from them. What is their intent? Does the response evoke a feeling? Do you feel gross? For many people going through their empowerment journey and learning their tools, they can trigger an explosive reaction when these nicknames and “Terms of Endearment” are used. They may feel the need to assert themselves in this way or stick up for themselves, flexing skills like a muscle because this is where they are at in their empowerment process, and it is how they choose to respond or, based on triggers, are responding. Then they may hear a response back like:

• “You’re crazy!”

• “What’s wrong with you?”

• “I say this to everyone. Don’t get your panties into a bunch” (Side note: Unless you are my intimate partner, my panties are not your problem, and I suggest you think of something else).

• “What are you, insane?”

• “Freak!”

• “Weirdo!”

• “B*tch!”

• “C*nt!”

• “Wh*re!”

• “Awwww, just take the compliment.”

• “I am from the South.”

• “It’s my culture.”

• “It’s our way.”

• “I am old; this is just who I am; deal with it.”

People can say what they want. You have every right to:

• Walk away

• Hold a hand up like a stop sign and say NO.

• Respond with something that honors you.

People were asking me how I responded to these comments. As many Empowerment Self-Defense instructors will say, “It depends.” I know you may be reading this for solid answers, but I am all about choices and opportunities to stick up for yourself. This is your process of empowerment. I will not tell you exactly what to say or do. This is your life. However, that being said, here are some responses that I have used that have been effective in my life or that I have heard others use and it was effective in theirs:

• “I don’t feel comfortable.”

• “I don’t feel comfortable being called ______.”

• “I am not sweetie or _______ (fill in the blank).”

• “I am not an inanimate object. So please don’t call me doll.”

• “I prefer _____ (Fill in how you would like to be addressed), not _____ (How they addressed you). 

• Noted: These responses also work for people who are nonbinary or mislabeled.

• “I know you come from a time when this term is okay. I do not like this term and would like to be called _____ instead.”

• “I only feel comfortable with _____ (partner, friends, family) calling me that. I prefer you call me ______ (Fill in the blank).”

• “That term doesn’t feel good. I prefer ______.” (If you’re reading this article and clicked through a social media post to find it, comment on the social media post if you have additional ways you feel are assertive responses that honor you).

• “No.”

How that person responds to these or other ways you address, the issue means so much. I have an Italian uncle (non-blood related). He kisses people on the lips. I am not a lip-kissing person unless you are my parents (strictly platonically) or my intimate partner. When I was younger, it was natural to say hello and give a kiss. This is done in many cultures as a warm greeting, and at the time, it felt okay. However, just because it is a cultural norm doesn’t mean you have to follow that custom. Honor how you feel. While it can be someone’s culture, it’s your body. I felt very reactionary the first few times that I started getting uncomfortable with the action and left before saying anything or staying away from him throughout the event. Finally, when a Christmas was coming and I realized this would happen again if I said nothing, I decided to address it. I wrote him a long message. It was involved. It shared why I don’t like being touched, and while the endearment might have felt okay when I was younger, the action doesn’t feel okay now. Also noted: Not okay to tell someone they have baggage because they don’t want to be touched. There are many reasons why this could be the case that have nothing to do with baggage or everything to do with their past experiences, which are “None Ya Business.” This response was not my uncle’s. His response was, “I am so sorry. Are hugs okay?” This response is excellent, and I am so grateful cause I love him for it. It opens up a dialog and helps you to figure out how you feel about such an action or an alternative phrase. Not everyone who says things like that is trying to be rude, insensitive, or lewd. They may just genuinely not know. So, this can be a great educational moment. You teach others how to treat you.

You have the right to stick up for yourself and say that you don’t want to be touched. Suppose someone says no to hugging, kissing, touching, comments, or nicknames, honor where they are at. If that is what you’re saying, honor your choice, and if you care for that person who did that thing you don’t want, it is helpful to give them options for how you want to be addressed, treated, or touched. Some may wish to fist bumps, shoulder taps, shoe taps, etc. If someone is telling this to you and you aren’t used to accommodating such requests, please swallow your pride and move on. Don’t take it personally. It can be about that person, their history, their comfort, and that is okay. They aren’t crazy for wanting the boundary they are asking for. With the more empowered people out there wanting to share how they feel, their boundaries, and how they want to be addressed/treated, this could be your new norm. I say this kindly. Get used to it. You can apologize and move on if that feels good to you. 

For those wanting to respond to someone who uses pet names or terms of endearment that doesn’t feel good to you, a friend, a family member, or just a bystander who, based on your intuition, is uncomfortable, think about these things. I spoke of intent. I love being called a lady, woman, or female. I don’t feel demeaned by these terms or made to feel less. I like them. They are not for everyone. When someone uses a term I don’t like, I calmly let them know that I don’t feel comfortable with them using that term and would prefer them using _____ (Whatever I feel comfortable being called by that person). If I know them as an acquaintance, it is usually: “Use My Name,” “Call me Church,” “Tasha Ina Church is my name. I accept Tasha, Church, Ina, Hey You, That Bass Guitarists Lady/Girl, Hello Lady, Madam, Miss, Female, Goddess, Cool Chick (you may insert *ss in between Cool & Chick), Awesome Human, All-Knowing One, Wise Woman, The Empowerment Self-Defense Instructor, Self-Defense Instructor, Self-Care Coach, Empowerment Coach, Rockstar, Cool Cat, Bad*ss, Genius, Femme Fatale (Okay strike the last one. Too Much. However, you get what I’m sayin). Many choices for you to choose from. Pick one. I don’t like the others.” 

If they have an unpleasant response, you don’t have to hang with them, shop at their store, eat at their restaurant, buy their products or services, or spend time in their presence. You can also say, “I like distance. Let’s not talk anymore,” and let it be. When you fester on it, dwell, that hurts you more than them. 

Also, if things didn’t go as planned or you didn’t say what you wanted to say in an empowered way, do something kind for yourself, whatever that may be. & remember, Don’t Should On Yourself! You got this!