I Almost Missed It: A Woman’s Tale About Getting Older
Tomorrow is the Big Day — another turn around the sun and I almost missed it. I almost missed the feeling of joy that comes with being 40 and appreciating it. You see, tomorrow, I turn 41 and this whole year, I haven’t hyped up turning 40. Why?! Look at the media, how women who get older are treated often. Also, for many of us hitting the big 4-0, we don’t feel our age. Really! What does it mean to be 40? I called my parents a few months ago excited and shared that I did “An Adult Thing” and my parents replied, “Well, that’s good. You’re an adult.” & I felt a strange pang in my chest from them saying that. I remember when I was younger, what I thought 40 meant…heck, what I thought 30 meant, there was a part of me (& I do mean a part, not the whole me) that thought, there goes the years of living life with reckless abandon. Freedom has been so important — living life my way, by my rules.
However, when I thought of what life would be like at 40, I didn’t fill the boxes I had in my mind; I’m not married, I don’t have children, I don’t own my own home, and as much as my career and work is making moves in a big way, ways that many look at and would check their box of success, I haven’t hit the mark for where I thought I would be. And yet…
I live on Maui (which I also didn’t imagine would happen when I was younger, it was a dream, not a reality), I have a life partner who I love a lot and he has been with me through thick and thin and going on 11 years come this August <3. He even asked me to move to Maui (How romantic is that?!). I do heart-work that brings life meaning and changes lives in positive ways. I am a fur mom and love our baby kitty Ella. I have traveled for work and am a published author multiple times over and a bestselling author in 5 categories on Amazon (It only happened a week ago. I think I’ll keep saying that over and over until it hits home and I can geek out some more). I have a healthy, happy, loving family. I get to bicycle, hike, do yoga, go paddle boarding, and other things I love, and I do it all often. I have amazing friends. I truly love the skin I am in and the self-care I offer myself. All of that matters to me.
So, why the feeling of not wanting to shout, “I’m 40!!!!” to the moon and back??? Sometimes, I do feel the sting of ageism. I feel it both ways though. I am often mistaken for much younger than I am which means that folks tend to not take me as seriously, they second guess me, look at me strange when I share what I have accomplished with this life and I have people who find out I am 40 and then there is “That Look” — Ageism again, judgement, skepticism. I see the hamster wheels turning in their brains reworking what they know of me and how they see me. So, it is a dual sword and women around the world feel that sting. I think people see all the self-care I do and the empowerment and believe I have it all figured out. I am a lifelong learner. There is always something new to learn and loving my age is included.
Way back in the day, in a former life, I went to fashion design school. I had a love/hate relationship with it because what I realized doing that work was that every woman I came in contact with hated some part of themselves, or would at least complain about it. The models were often the most self-critical:
“My nose is to big.”
“I hate my thighs.”
“My butt is too small.”
“I need to diet." Insert that this came from a woman who was a size 0.
It didn’t matter their size, age, height, weight, accomplishments, education, sex appeal, and so on, and so forth, and on, and on, and on. Something I would like to stress with the woman reading this is that we all have stuff. We have the tiny voices in our heads (Brené Brown calls those the Gremlins talking to you) whispering the worst of the worst. If it isn’t about your physical appearance you are attacking your self-worth or worthiness. I have been a culprit of this. I remember being so disappointed when people would talk about how pretty I was but never commented on my intelligence. Indignantly I thought, ‘I do have a mind, you know!’ This really affected my confidence in myself and my abilities.
When I was in a past relationship with DV, the thought that kept rolling through my head was, ‘If he thought I was smart enough, he wouldn’t treat me that way and he would respect me more.’ The reality is that no one deserve DV. No one deserves to feel unsafe in the skin they are in regardless of their intelligence level. I published my first book in 2011 and had a huge book launch at the Washington State History Museum and had experienced an attempted sexual assault in my home the week before. I kept thinking on repeat, ‘If I were smarter, I never would have let the guy in, even though he knew my apartment manager’s name.’ or I thought ‘If I were smarter, this would never have happened to me.’ After my book launch, I had no will to market, and had extreme PTSD from the incident. I kept thinking, ‘If I were smarter, I wouldn’t be dealing with this; I wouldn’t be depressed, I would be doing better with book sales,’ etc., etc., etc. The judgement never ended.
Then, as I was healing and supporting women in their empowerment journey, I realized I wasn’t alone and almost every woman who I worked with had experienced something similar. It is the plight of many women to experience this pain and judgement. However, I have also seen so many women learn to thrive after adversity, they learn resiliency and it is amazing to see.
So, getting back to my age. I remember when I was younger, I looked at my mother and her friends (who were in their 40s at the time, and they were amazing to me, gorgeous, vibrant. It got me thinking (which of course led me to believing in women’s empowerment so strongly), ‘Everyone woman has a perfect size. We are all deserving of love no matter our age. We all are deserving of looking in the mirror and loving who we see. We have all worked so hard to become her.’ Then I began to think about my age and the journey to get here, the lessons learned, the empowerment process I undertook and the healing journey I made to become the type of person who genuinely loves supporting women and girls in their empowerment journey.
I look at my mom, who truly is amazing; brilliant, wise, kind, and gorgeous at any age. If I cannot look at my age and feel proud that I made it here, what do I say to her — this brilliant woman who bore me?! Why do we reserve such judgement for ourselves and look at another woman who is older, maybe a different shape, height, or weight and praise them for who they are, just as they are? I had to ponder this a lot before writing this blog. We all have been through so much as women (In the US and also, all over the world).
Then, last night it happened — I felt the gratitude that I had hoped for blowing out the candles with my bestie Erin during my 40th birthday. I felt the excitement for the future, the love of where I am at and while I have that feeling often, this is the first time I associated it with the number associated with the day of my birth.
So, here is a birthday wish for all the women out there — I hope that no matter your age, you love who you are. No matter your education, intelligence, looks, job or work status, you love who you are. And for those who are sitting their tearing yourself apart piece by piece, I hope you can give yourself grace, honor the skin you are in and just how many hoops you had to jump through, trials and tribulations along the way you had to overcome to get here, to the person you see in the mirror and I hope you can love yourself at all ages, realizing that each day, you learn more than you once knew, you do what you can to become a better and better version of yourself. And with it all, I hope that you can honor the you that your were who got you to the you you are, someone who can express joy in the human you have become. Mahalo for reading! Wishing much love to those going through this journey and having similar thoughts.
For those who saw the author part, please feel free to check out my author page on Amazon which has my personal & professional development workbooks on empowerment, empowerment self-defense, self-care & self-healing: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Tasha-Ina-Church/author/B0D65G856T?ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true