PTSD - THE SILENT KILLER

This topic seems to be discussed with the same regard as if they were to talk about the Bubonic Plague. What is it? Ugh, well, that is uncomfortable! Well, let's not talk about it! PTSD, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing a life-threatening event such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical &/ sexual assault. Complex PTSD is when someone has reoccurring events that continually occur throughout your life and accumulate. Statistics state that 7.8% of American's will experience PTSD at some point in their life (http://www.ptsd.ne.gov/); I, however, believe this number may be higher. Women are twice as likely to experience PTSD, and a lot of this is related to sexual or physical trauma. Now that you know the statistics and definition, here is what I see it as. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is like a record that scratches at one particular point and bobs back to that spot continually. People who have PTSD tend to overshare, frequently share the event, and detach themselves from what happened.

I know this because I was painted with trauma starting from my first stalker, which I found out about at age 17, to my last stalker in 2012, exactly one week before my book launch. Those two occasions were not the only moments that invoked ongoing fear and dread, yet they did symbolize something; a beginning and an end. No more. I had abusive relationships and had difficulty setting healthy boundaries with men who made me feel uncomfortable. For a long time, I shared this with no one, especially not my family. When I first went to a therapist, I wanted to share very little. It took a year with my last therapist talking weekly about the weather and day-to-day events before opening up. Brené Brown said it best, "Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: Secrecy, Silence, and Judgement." When I did share, it was as though I was explaining a slew of events that happened to someone else, even addressing myself as a separate entity, not connecting all that happened to who I was. She looked at me, and I know she felt empathy, but all I could see is pity. It felt like I was a puzzle, missing several pieces. I didn't want to be that person -- the one who was broken, afraid, scared of the dark.

I took seven Japanese martial arts styles for seven years, often studying a minimum of four hours a day 3-5 days a week. What I wanted was to be viewed as strong, fearless, unbroken. I took Tai Chi to quiet my mind and lower my stress level. I did salsa dancing four, five, sometimes six nights a week to escape the thoughts in my head, and I did for a while. I also developed sleep insomnia. I did a meditation to find peace in my heart, but it wasn't until I was willing to be vulnerable in that room sitting on a couch in an utterly confidential space that I was even ready to begin my healing. The reality was that I felt like I was continually crumbling to the ground. I co-founded a women's empowerment company in 2012 to support girls and help them navigate the world safely. Part of my program was teaching self-defense, along with this, self-esteem and body image. All of these, I struggled with myself. After three years of running that business, I realized I still had worked to do. I still needed to heal, and part of me thought that I couldn't do both. I also recognized that at the time, my work scenario was not healthy either. It is amazing how life works but in 2013, I met the love of my life and in 2014, he asked me to move to Maui. This new beginning has spearheaded so many different opportunities including ElleLiveAction and I am so grateful for that process beginning my healing journey!