The Danger of Forgiveness

Have you ever been told you must forgive? Has this happened after someone has beaten you, physically assaulted you, maimed you, humiliated you, violated you, robbed you, tried to kill you? 

So you do your best to forgive. You pray and pray and prayyyyyyyyyyy. You do yoga and attempt to whoosah it away. Meditation (Check). Release Exercises (Check, Check). Did all the things, and yet you still feel a bit had, hollow, incomplete. Am I touching a nerve?

Does not forgiving hurt you? Yes & no. For those scratching your heads thinking, 'Tasha, what the heck are you saying right now,' I'll explain. When I had my first violation, it wasn't just a few hours, days, or weeks that I blamed myself for everything. 

• "If I were strong enough, this never would have happened."

• "I should have been smarter."

• "I should have known better."

• "I shouldn't have believed he loved me."

• "I shouldn't have believed he respected me."

• "I should have known the signs he was stalking me."

• "I should have said _____, which would have changed everything."

Those should've/could've/would'ves hurt. They make you second-guess yourself, your sanity, others, and your intuition. You spend years picking yourself apart until you feel shattered, like pieces lying on the floor, like an unassembled stained-glass window. 

When I share that forgiveness is important, I am not talking about forgiving your attacker, the perpetrator, the abuser, or the harasser. If you are religious and have trouble with this concept, look at it this way. It isn't your job to forgive the person who hurt you; let God do that, or the universe, Gaia, the mother, the father, Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, the Creator, etc. If you are telling a friend to forgive, ask yourself if it is your job to choose or your god that you recognize. If it isn’t your job, do what you need to do to resolve your feelings and keep them to yourself or vent to a mental health specialist, a journal, or a mentor asking them for advice but know that if you believe your job is to tell them they must forgive, you could be doing more harm than good.

Beyond Trauma Recovery (www.btr.org) states this:

"Forgiveness" usually translates to "absolution" – in other words, when victims are asked to forgive, they're really being told to sweep the abuse under the rug so that everyone can move on. This further traumatizes victims who need safety and support. Not trite advice."

BTR, I agree. I never ask my clients to forgive their attackers so they can "Move on." It isn't my job to tell them what they "Should" do. When I teach other coaches, I don't recommend that they tell their clients to "forgive; it will only hurt you if you don't."

When people tell the person confiding in them that they must forgive, ask yourself, "Do you feel like you are blaming the victim for their circumstance?" It isn't their job to forgive their attacker. They could go a lifetime without forgiving their attacker and still keep on living life. You could say, "What if that person is nice to others?" Well, they are nice to others, yet they weren't nice to that person. That is valid. 

Are we always are best selves? No. We all have had bad days, weeks, months, years, unsavory moments, cringeworthy moments we wish we could have handled differently. Here is the reality in my book: You don't have to forgive your attacker, the stalker, the harasser, or the perpetrator. You do have to forgive yourself and stop shoulding on yourself. The should of, could of, would ofs will eat you up. Those can break your heart if you let them. They can pick you apart, take your heart away piece by piece, and because you aren't willing to forgive yourself for what part you believe you had to play in the situation that led to what happened, you get sick, feel guilt, develop health issues, find yourself chronically stressed, fatigued, angry, sad, emotional. When you forgive yourself, there is more forgiveness and grace for others, but that may not be the perpetrator. 

I remember when I had forgiven myself for what had happened in the past. There were days I downright hated myself. I was "No good," "Not good enough," "Worthless," "Ugly," "Stupid," and now I think, 'Ouch!' was I ever harsh on myself? And because of that, I had very little room for error with others. There was no grace for them. It wasn't until I took a hard look at myself, one with a lot of compassion and permitted myself to forgive myself for all the things I had done, thought I had, and/or had not done. I forgave myself for wearing that dress to salsa (realizing it's what I would typically wear to salsa, which is okay). I forgave myself for being so naive. The reality was I didn't know what I didn't know. I forgave myself for trusting that person and realized that didn't mean I couldn't trust anyone. It just meant I couldn't trust someone who pretended to be someone else and stalked me. I forgave myself for being too young. The reality is that the person who assaulted me was older, and what they did was gross, horrible, and wrong. I was not to blame for believing in this person. I learned. I learned the hard way so many times: I stumbled, fell, cried, and was angry, and all of it was okay. 

Let me ask a few questions to see if this could be you:

• Do you put everyone else's needs above your own?

• When someone compliments you, do you automatically dismiss it or can't take it with a thank you?

• Do you find yourself picking apart your habits, body, mind, choices, misfortunes, and circumstances?

• Do you have little grace for others because they "Should have known better?" 

• Do you feel numb? Feel nothing? Void of emotion? Lost? Are you dazed most days?

It took me so long to understand that my excuses for the other person and my forgiveness for another didn't solve my feelings of brokenness. When I acknowledged my feelings and the reasons I had them and forgave myself for all of it, it truly set me free. 

I have worked with thousands of clients. There were so many private sessions where the breakthrough came after we got in touch with their core feelings and belief systems, got in touch with the anger that still lived below the surface, and was harbored after "forgiving" that other person. I have watched the floodgates open; all the feelings rise to the surface and the breakthroughs. It left that person raw, tired from doing the work but free. I remember listening to my clients say just how light they felt after. One was shocked that she could "feel." Another said it left her open to loving again. Another said she felt like she loved herself for the first time in a long time. These examples are what forgiving yourself can look like. 

I have a motto, "I love myself fiercely." I say it often when doubt sneaks in or if I fear doing something new or on my own. You may be wondering, have I forgiven all the people who attacked me or assaulted me? People who sexually harassed me, people who harmed me or were abusive to me…

The answer is no. I can recognize if someone was brought up a certain way. I can acknowledge if they have done their own work and understand if others I know want to keep connections or friendships with that person or those people. That doesn't mean they are deserving of my forgiveness. That may sound harsh to some. I will say that I no longer hang on to the anger related to that person, and it isn't because I forgive them. It is because they don't hold parchment over my thoughts; they do not hold sway over my mind. My anger regarding them has been addressed because I did my own work & I have forgiven myself for all the ways I blamed myself for being in the situation, with that person, or in that circumstance. This does not mean that person is deserving of my time or energy.

I recently had a friend who was super nervous because they wanted me to know they hung out with a person who I found abusive in my life. She started sharing by making excuses; she shared they weren't everyone's cup of tea, that she could see they had an attitude or could easily rub someone the wrong way, and then wanted me to know that she hangs out with them. News report: That is you, and you do you. I do me. What does that mean? We may not be seen at the same parties, not because you don't invite us both but because I chose to be in a different space with them. Just because I let go of my anger or sadness doesn't mean I would prefer to be in the same room with them or choose to share space with them. This life is about my happiness. Their life is about their happiness. 

I have had people who have harmed me want to get a hug or take a picture with me. Those both do not equate to me forgiving them. You have to decide what is best for you and what works in your life. Some people have wronged me, and I have forgiven them because I love or have loved them. There are people whom I loved whom I have not forgiven. I ask myself what allows me to sleep well at night. If I am not forgiving someone who bothers me, I explore it. I ask questions:

• Is this because of my belief system? My religion?

• Is this because of a core value I have?

• Is it because they want forgiveness & I don't want to?

• Is it because someone I love or care for wants me to forgive them?

• If I forgave them, would it be for the right reasons for me?

• What would happen if I didn't forgive them?

• Can I forgive myself for not forgiving them?

At the end of the day, you are the one who is with yourself your whole life. You are the one who you have to sleep with for the rest of your life. You have to live with yourself. Thus, it should be your decision, and that decision should be respected. Know this, though: the most important person to forgive in any situation is yourself if you are blaming You.  What is shared may be an unpopular opinion. However, based off of my personal experience, experience with clients, and listening to colleagues experiences across the globe, this is the opinion I have.

You are precious; your life is worthy of beauty, happiness, joy, love, and peace — It is worth living fully. Remember that and choose what serves you best—sending love to all who are in the thick of it. Wishing you well and hoping you find the way that works for serving your happiness.

Wanting support in your healing process? Feel free to email ElleLiveAction@gmail.com.

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